WHAT AM I AFRAID THEY WILL SEE IF I’M REALLY MYSELF?

“It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all – in which case, you fail by default.” – J.K Rowling

In most cases we are not fully aware of our deepest fears, the things that threatens to hold us down. Most of us are so afraid that we would go as far as sabotaging our relationships because we are so fearful of anything real, anything that can feel like security.

I used to cling so much into my comfort zone and for a very long time I couldn’t understand why I shouldn’t. Comfort zone feels great; in this space you avoid disappointments, you avoid failure, you avoid saying the wrong things, embarrassing yourself and just putting yourself in awkward positions. Comfort zone is safe, it’s warm and it’s easy…I get why it’s difficult for so many people to get out of it.

But on the other side, it limits you from progressing, growing or evolving. It deprives you of the joy and fulfillment of being engaged and totally present. It paralyses you, shrinks you and makes you so small to a point that you don’t recognize yourself. It also chops away parts of you until you find yourself intimidated to be around people of thought.

What I missed in the process was not that I enjoyed the comfort of the bubble but instead I was so afraid that I am actually the best thing.  The beginning of this journey starts with self-awareness, understanding your response to situations and analyzing your reactions. For me, it’s a spiritual practice of inviting the Holy Spirt to awaken my understanding and help reveal parts of myself I still need to deal with.

Hard work begins after this stage of awareness and understanding, this is the part where most people shrink back to their corners or boldly accept the great that is in them. Being the best version of yourself is not a walk in a park, it’s a lifetime learning, process of accepting small revelations and working towards them, it’s a journey of becoming and it’s also a responsibility. If you don’t like responsibilities, you’ll probably hate this part because here is where real work begins. When you know better, you have a responsibility to do better.

The enemy doesn’t need to put fires in your way to stop you from doing anything, he just needs to make you afraid enough for you to not even try. What this does to a human mind is cause too much confusion and frustration. Your imagination or vision for yourself is alive in the mind but the reality of your present moment is the opposite. That causes stress and frustration. It’s hard being productive when you’re frustrated because you are so focused on what you are lacking. See, that’s the circle the enemy uses; to get you feeling stuck which automatically leads to self-doubt and hesitation.

I was afraid of a lot of things growing up, especially in my teenage years. I agreed with things I wasn’t happy about, I pleased people who didn’t really care about me, I entertained bullies because I was afraid of losing friends, of being alone. I knew that having a voice and speaking your mind really makes your circle of friends small. I didn’t want that. I wanted to be loved, cared for, embraced, seen and noticed. I mean, do we not all just want that? I wanted a place to belong and be a part of something, a community or a home. So, I compromised in fact I did more than that…. I shrinked. And the gap between me and the people around me kept filling up with all the things we don’t say to each other.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting all of that. I mean, we are relational beings, created in the likeness of God who exist in relationships. We are born from love and for love. Wanting to belong and fit in is not necessarily wrong, it’s how you mute yourself, disqualify yourself and dim your light to make others comfortable that make its all wrong. And it took me a long time to understand that.

It’s really connected with self-worth and self-value when you think about it. I know this is kind of cliché but when you really discover who you are and get to experience the love of God shared for you in the cross, it changes your whole perceptive on life and how you see yourself. I know for me; it was a revelation I didn’t know I needed.

It is a scary place when you meet parts of yourself that you’re experiencing for the first time. You are allowed to feel some type of way and be surprised at how much you can stretch. You are allowed to share some tears and freak out, that’s what I do. But in the process of being in your feelings, do not ignore the joy and the sense of peace that comes with hugging yourself for the first time…. I love it!

Sitting in your comfort bubble will definitely make you miss moments and will make you miss your purpose. You cannot continue praying for something you don’t have the character for. We pray for marriages without the depth understanding that marriage is a ministry and not everyone is called to it. Everything begins with you, how you love yourself will determine how you love others, and how you treat others reflects the condition of your heart.

There is so much to learn about you, like how to face your fears and deal with your ego because if someone has more pride than vulnerability to show you, they really aren’t in the position to love you the healthy way. Your first step to healing, to being the best version of yourself and allowing growth to take part begins with self-awareness and taking ownership of your growth and also making the decision to challenge yourself to say yes to everything that makes you scared. Once you allow yourself to experience life that way, you get to feel this warmth in your heart, like the sun shining and glittering inside of you.

Maybe, also challenge yourself to speaking your whole truth and stop living as less than God has called you to be. Remember, you are the legacy… You are breathing rare air, embrace it and say yes to choosing yourself.

2 thoughts on “WHAT AM I AFRAID THEY WILL SEE IF I’M REALLY MYSELF?”

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