“You can quit a job. I can’t quit being a mother. I’m a mother forever. Mothers are never off the clock, mothers are never on vacation. Being a mother redefines us, reinvents us, destroys and rebuilds us. Being a mother brings us face-to-face with ourselves as children, with our mothers as human beings, with our darkest fears of who we really are.” – Shonda Rhimes
The most dangerous thing you can do as a parent is trying to raise a child when you haven’t healed from your own childhood traumas. It’s easy to project your insecurities when you raise a child from a place of lack, fear and pain. You end up obsessing over closing gaps and thinking you can control everything. I’ve heard the phrase “I don’t want my child to go through the same things I went through” so often and that’s okay. But Do not lose sight of who your child is in the process of trying to fix your past through them.
Kids are different and they come into the world with their own struggles and some of their hardships may be foreign to us but what makes a great mom is your ability to stretch and how far you can go to supporting your child. Trauma has a way of blinding us of the reality, which is why it’s important to get the help you need so you don’t miss precious moments of your child’s life trying to make sure that your pain doesn’t become their story.
My advice to parents is HEAL. Your child deserves a healthy parent. Raising kids is not an easy thing to do, especially when you didn’t have a great upbringing that can be a blueprint for you. Motherhood is a journey, it’s a process of learning and unlearning, it’s adapting and catching up. It’s a beautiful gift!
You don’t need to have it all figured out and I know that can be very frustrating. I think one of the lessons for me thus far is learning to be vulnerable with my daughter, to humble myself and meet her where she is. I’m afraid of the pedestal and I don’t ever want my child to feel like she can’t relate to me or that I can’t understand what she’s going through. She needs to know that I am human, and I make mistakes. Part of that requires me to humble myself and apologize to her when I’m wrong and keep myself as close to the ground as possible. Forgive yourself more….
“Being a mother requires us to get it together or risk messing up another person forever. Being a mother yanks our hearts out of our bodies and attaches them to our tiny humans and sends them out into the world, forever hostages.” – Shonda Rhimes